For a submissive female, finding an appropriate dominant partner is something that should be approached with a great deal of thought. Just because a man is dominant does not mean he will make a good dominant for every submissive. Just as in a vanilla relationship, there are many different kinds of relationships within a power relationship.
There are several things a submissive needs to look for in a potential dominant.. But before doing that, she needs to first look inside of herself and decide what she wants and needs from such a relationship. Is being in love with her dominant an important part of the relationship she seeks? Does she want to be a submissive to a dominant or a slave to a master? These are only a couple of the questions a submissive must ask herself before entering into a relationship with a dominant.
After asking herself these questions, a submissive needs to then ask her potential dominant the following questions to see if they would make a good pair. Doing this can make the difference in life and death in some cases. Safety should always be foremost in a submissive’s mind when seeking a dominant partner.
Is he looking for a short term or a long term relationship? D/s relationships can be anything from occasional play partners to committed lifetime partnerships. It is very important that a submissive is looking for the same kind of relationship as her potential dom.
Is he looking for a mono or poly relationship? If he is looking for a poly relationship, will it be one in which he expects his submissives to be intimate with one another? This is important to know before committing, because it will save a submissive a lot of heartache down the road.
Casey was thrilled when she agreed to be a slave to Master Jay. But she made the mistake of not asking enough questions during the intial session with him. She was swept away by his charm, his confidence, and the control which she so desperately sought. After several months of happily serving him, Master Jay told Casey that he was bringing another slave into the relationship. Casey was devastated, and even more devastated to learn that this had been his intention all along. A lack of communication between Casey and Master Jay had placed her in this horrible situation. By now, she felt totally his, and the thought of leaving him was not even a thought in her mind. So she stayed and endured the poly relationship that she had no desire for…crying herself to sleep each night.
What aspects of the scene is a potential dominant into? Again, this is very important to know, because there are so many aspects to the lifestyle. There is bondage, spanking, whipping, nipple torture, golden showers, anal play, sharing, performing, humiliation, objectification, wax play, knife play, mental/emotional control. There are some dominants who are into very taboo areas such as incest and bestiality, and this is why it is very important to set boundaries and ask questions before committing to a dominant. Otherwise, a submissive may find herself in a very difficult position down the road in which she is made to compromise her values or say goodbye to a Master she has grown to love.
Is the potential dominant sadistic? This is an important question to ask because if a submissive ends up with a sadistic dominant and she is not masochistic, it is going to be a very difficult road. The submissive will only fear her Master, and the trust will not develop as it should.
Another important reason for finding out if a dominant is sadistic is so that the submissive can explore the reasons why he is into giving pain to his submissives. There are some dominants who only play at being dominants. They wear the mask, but are only abusers searching for easy prey. They use their submissives as punching bags and they give pain because they are cruel, administered when they are angry and out of control. They prey on submissives who have very low self esteem, thinking they deserve no better.
There are other dominants, though, who are into sadism, but they are able to administer the pain showing the utmost control. Their reasons are of a different nature. They enjoy administering the pain, but do it as a means of helping the submissive release her inner pain that she holds onto. The dominant takes the pain only as far as the submissive will allow, encouraging her to use a safe word.A safe word is a word that has been predetermined by the submissive and her dom. It is a word that she will use if a scene gets too intense for her and she wishes to stop. It is usually a neutral word (such as apple or car)…nothing that could be mistaken as a part of the scene itself. The dominant will immediately stop the scene when the submissive uses her safe word. Very often when the pain threshold is reached, the submissive will be in tears. A true, loving dominant will embrace these tears and tenderly hold his submissive, encouraging her to let them flow.
Will the dominant require the submissive to sign a contract? A contract is a document that is drawn up by the dominant, stating the terms and conditions of the relationship. It may include such things as responsibilities of both dom and submissive, rules, infractions, punishments for infractions, reasons for dismissal, duties, expectations, and length of time the submissive will serve. Not all dominants desire contracts, believing that they serve little purpose in a true D/s relationship. Other dominants do want contracts, believing it will make the submissive feel safe to know exactly what her boundaries and limitations are…and also to know that the dominant has responsibilities he must adhere to as well.
Regardless of whether there is a written contract or not, it is important for the submissive to discuss these things with the dominant. That way she is entering into the relationship with her eyes wide open to all of the possibilities.
Is the dominant looking for a slave or a submissive? Although the two terms are sometimes interchanged, they have very different meanings. A slave is submissive, but a submissive is not necessarily a slave.
A submissive gives up control, but has more of a say in when she does. She has more of a voice in the relationship. When the dominant tells her to do something and she isn’t comfortable, she has the choice to opt out.
A slave has no control. A slave is owned property who obeys…period. She may respectfully discuss and share her feelings with her Master, but he makes the final decision, and she must abide by it. If she doesn’t , then she is dealt with harshly.
There is much a submissive must consider in choosing a dominant. It is very easy for a submissive to get swept away under a dom’s control without asking the important questions first. But by asking the questions, she will be saving herself a lot of heartache down the road. She will also increase the odds that she will be entering into a relationship that is safe and consensual in every aspect.
Cheryl Williams, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Jan 15, 2008 “Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here.”